No shit, this actually happened.
Me: Right, so what does it look like? Student: It looks like a cellphone….
Me: Sorry, we haven’t had any phones handed in at all today. Student: Oh… ok… but I lost it in the library… so… Me: NO. FUCKING. PHONES. (They always insist on telling me more information about how/when/where they lost something after I have established that we DO NOT have it… as if that will suddenly make it appear.)
Student: I’ve lost my glasses Me: What do they look like? Student: Ohh… just… like… normal glasses. Me: Fuck off and die.
When people shouldn't even ask
Student: Hey, is this lost and found? Me: Yes, what have you lost? Student: A twilight book. Me: Bro… just let it go.
When people can't describe what they've lost
Student: So yeah… it’s um… just a ring… Me: … Student: I don’t know how to describe it… it’s um… pretty simple… Me: … Student: Yeah… so… have you got it? Me: Get the fuck out of my office.